However, I've been feeling a call to go deeper into my spiritual journey -- already peppered with Buddhist, Daoist, UU, and Unity/Metaphysical Christian influences -- and up the ante. Become closer to God and thus, I believe, to my truest self. So why Lent? It just so happens that my call of the spirit coincides with this holy season, which begins today, in fact. Seems like a prophetic coincidence. Although, I rarely use that word -- "coincidence." I prefer to think of such events as serendipity, fortuitous happenings, synchronicity. Evidence of a greater power at work than we can understand with our logical minds. You have to use your heart.
And it's my heart I hope to be able to draw strength and inspiration from over these next 40 days. Because what I want to give up are things I've attempted to give up before, with only short-term success.
Wine.
Caffeine.
Animal foods.
Let me say as a disclaimer that I don't believe these things are inherently "bad" or "sinful" or anything like that. I think such labels diminish them into a good/bad or right/wrong dichotomy, which is not terribly useful in the world we live in with its many shades of gray. I just know, however, that as far as I'm concerned, I rely on these foods to give me the things that I'd prefer to get from God/spirit: Comfort. Energy. A feeling of belonging.
Which is what attracts me to the idea of Lent. My angle on it is that it's not about giving up something we enjoy just to be miserable and repent. But that in giving up something we rely on, could it make way for something new to find room in our lives? Could we hear God's voice, or even just the longings of our own hearts, a little more clearly? Could we find that, in giving something up, we gain something greater in return? Something beautiful, unexpected, or even sacred?
My list of give-ups might seem like paltry items to expect such a great return from. Give up coffee as a way to spiritual enlightenment? But it's really about why these things have made the list, not so much the things themselves. For instance, I definitely depend on coffee to give me energy for the day. I typically get up early so I can fit in some meditation and spiritual practice before 8 a.m. classes -- so we're talking very early. The smell of coffee percolating as I'm getting dressed puts a spring in my step and gives me a treat to look forward to. I love studying at coffee shops with a mug of Stumptown in hand. Portland is the city of obsessively perfectionist crafters and creators, and luckily for coffee fans, we have some fanatical folks hand-roasting the best local beans around. I love the roasty, toasty, comforting aroma and taste. But I don't love the heart palpitations, the jitters, the withdrawal headaches, the way it rachets my already considerable anxiety levels up a few notches, or the fact that I think I need it to get through the morning.
Wine I have less often (...and definitely not in the mornings), but I find that if I have a hard or long day, I feel an intense craving for a glass of red. On more than several occasions I have bribed/begged/badgered my husband into running out and getting a bottle as I'm cooking dinner, because I've realized we don't have any on hand and dinner just "won't be as good" without it. Since we're on a tight budget, I'll pay $3 for a barely drinkable bottle rather than go without. I love the ritual of a glass of wine...but not the heady heavy feeling I get, nor how my thoughts get mushy or clouded. And it almost always knocks me right out, even at 8pm. It's actually the opposite of coffee -- it sedates me in the evenings whereas caffeine revs me up in the mornings. If I give myself a break from their assistance, will I be able to wake up and go to sleep naturally, on my own?
The animal foods issue is a little murkier. I've been vegetarian, vegan, and omnivorous back and forth so many times it's kind of ridiculous. But in a nutshell, whenever I've been veg I ended up feeling socially left out, frustrated by lack of options in restaurants (at least, anywhere outside of Portland, whose aforementioned fanaticism also extends to a large population of amazing vegan restaurant, chefs, food carts and bakeries galore), and nutritionally deficient -- usually because I don't eat enough fat or calories due to lack of understanding or ambition. When I switch back to eating meat and/or dairy and eggs, I feel good at first, but my deep inner opposition to eating animals and their products, and thus contributing to the hellish ways in which we raise and slaughter them, is always something I struggle with. I pretty much have to turn off a part of myself in order to eat the burger, or the omelet, or the piece of cheese. As someone who believes that everything is connected, I can't help but wonder how those foods can nourish my body if they trouble my spirit. What kind of message is that sending to my digestive process -- or to my heart?
So here goes. 40 days....starting today. The thing is, though, I feel I can't just give things up and have that be the end of the story. I'm thinking it would be more meaningful to fill the void they leave with something else. Something that hasn't been able to be a starring player in my day because of the way I've focused my time or energy on other things. Something that may actually give me what I'm really looking for underneath the guise of these habits. Comfort (wine). Energy (coffee). A feeling of belonging (animal foods).
If I don't make coffee in the mornings, or rely on caffeine to perk me up throughout the day, what can take its place to supply me with energy? A brisk morning walk, maybe with the background music of birdsongs or raindrops. An extra 10 minutes now available for yoga, qigong, or to extend my meditation session. A cup of refreshing peppermint or ginger tea: invigorating minus the jitters. Heck, I could even pull out the old juicer and see if it works, and make the fresh power juices Victoria Moran swears by.
What ways can I comfort and relax myself in evenings other than by drinking wine? Calling a friend or family member. Listening to an inspirational podcast or guided meditation. Talking about a challenging or difficult day with always-supportive Joseph after dinner. Taking a nice hot shower and going to bed at a sensible hour.
As for animal foods, I could exchange the consumption of animal products for activities that take care of animals themselves. I've been considering volunteering with the Audubon society for months now -- this could be the perfect time to do it. Replace every animal food with a healthy veggie alternative: avocado for cheese, coconut milk for dairy, tempeh or beans for meat. Eat lots of colorful, vibrant fruits and vegetables. Lots. And make sure I eat more calories than I think I need...since I tend to underestimate. Splurge on a treat at Portobello or Sweetpea bakery. Connect with other veg-minded people -- both on the web and here in Portland -- for community and support. Connect with beloved furry friends every chance I get, from pets at a shelter to my own lovely cats.
Above all....be kind and loving to myself. Remember that this is not punishment...it's encouragement. Encouragement towards a life that may be even more blessed and glorious than the wonderful one I already enjoy. Encouragement that, deep down, I may already hold the keys to enlightenment...not someday, not later, not 40 days from now. Right now.
